Television! Teacher, mother, secret lover.
When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!
You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
I'm not a bad guy! I work hard, and I love my kids. So why should I spend half my Sunday hearing about how I'm going to Hell?
Vampires are make-believe, like elves, gremlins, and eskimos.
How is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home winemaking course, and I forgot how to drive?
Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals ... except the weasel.
I'm better than dirt. Well, most kinds of dirt, not that fancy store-bought dirt... I can't compete with that stuff.
I hope this has taught you kids a lesson: kids never learn.
How could you?! Haven't you learned anything from that guy who gives those sermons at church? Captain Whatshisname? We live in a society of laws! Why do you think I took you to all those Police Academy movies? For fun? Well, I didn't hear anybody laughing, did you? Except at that guy who made sound effects. Makes sound effects and laughs. Where was I? Oh yeah! Stay out of my booze.
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