I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.
My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.
When I was born the doctor took one look at my face, turned me over and said, Look ... twins!
Last time I tried to make love to my wife nothing happened, so I said to her, 'What's the matter, you can't think of anybody either?'
Life is just a bowl of pits.
I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.
A girl phoned me the other day and said "Come on over, there's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home.
I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.