The need of exercise is a modern superstition, invented by people who ate too much and had nothing to think about.
I think hiccup cures were really invented for the amusement of the patient's friends.
I heard a definition once: Happiness is health and a short memory! I wish I'd invented it, because it is very true.
Fiction was invented the day Jonah arrived home and told his wife that he was three days late because he had been swallowed by a whale..
I just invented a device that eliminates vice. It looks like a bottle of booze, only it’s empty, because I just drank it.
Our generation is realistic, for we have come to know man as he really is. After all, man is that being who invented the gas chambers of Auschwitz; however, he is also that being who entered those gas chambers upright, with the Lord's Prayer or the Shema Yisrael on his lips.
God invented whiskey to keep the Irish from ruling the world.
I’m reminded of Orville Tethington, inventor of the world’s first steam-powered fog machine. He’s also the guy who, after the Germans invented the flame thrower in WWI, decided to counteract it with his own creation, the candle thrower. The candle thrower was only battle tested once, and after fifteen minutes the war zone was littered with lit candles. Upon returning home after the war, some of the soldiers suffered such extreme and bizarre cases of PTSD that anytime a civilian lit a match or used their lighter, the soldiers would hit the ground and start singing “Happy Birthday.
An onion can make people cry, but there has never been a vegetable invented to make them laugh.
Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain.